Staying little

I know some days are hard and I think I'll pull my hair out with the kids running amuck. But tonight I was brought back to reality. These days are all too fleeting and one day they'll be grown up with little time for their Mom. This hit me as we were watching their night time show. Landon was laying at one end of the couch. He was curled up with a pillow and blanket. Will had been sitting on my lap with a pillow and blanket, just relaxing. At this point he had hopped down and was playing and showing me something and giving me kisses. 

I told him he was my sweet boy and told Landon he was my big awesome guy. To which he said, "yeah, I'm a big guy!" And as I watched him lay there and watched Will, actually using a zipper, I realized how fast they were growing. And I teared up because I don't want them to get big. Ever. I love my little boys, and I love them that way...little.   

Just keep swimming

Last week was supposed to be Landon's first swim class, but he was sick. So we jumped into it today. Our goal with taking him to swim is to help him overcome his fear of pools. He will jump in, but if you want him to be in the water he freaks out. He clings to you so tight you fear you'll lose your suit to his grip. And he sits so high up he's above your waist. All the while panicking if he thinks you might let go, or get him any deeper. This fear needs to be cleared away. And that is how he started out. The teacher had to hold him. But she was great at working with him and trying to ease him into it. Because she needed her arms for other kids he ended up sitting on the edge. She eventually coaxed him down to the lower ledge in the water. He was enjoying talking to the other kids and goofing off. But I was worried he wouldn't get in. 

The teacher got out a pool noodle and netting contraption that they held on to while on their stomachs and they kicked, "swimming".  The other kids did it. Next thing I knew, Landon was doing it! What??? She threw a pool toy ahead of him and he had to chase it.  He swam back and forth happily. And when they returned he actually stood on the little platform they have built for kids lessons. It's a cool thing. It lifts them up out of the water since the shallow end is not that shallow. And he refused it earlier. Woohoo! Another big step. He was jumping and kicking and playing with the kids like he'd been doing it the whole time. It only took half the class. Let's hope next week he gets right in. By the end he had even laid on his back and kicked, letting go of the instructor too! At the end they all got to take turns jumping in. I'll be excited to see how he progresses through the month. Go Landon!!

He's the one in the white shirt. I think the taunting from the girl in pink may have helped spur his entry into the pool. 

Hanging over the edge of the kid platform playing. I was very proud of him for getting over his fears today. I kept telling him how proud I was of him. In the car driving home he said, "were you so proud of me, mom, for swimming?" You betcha, kiddo! Watching your kids grow and learn is the best.  

frightening times

This past weekend Will decided to give me the biggest scare of my life. I was set to go chaperon a youth dance at our church, John was working that night, and my Mom was babysitting the kids at our house.  My Mom came early so that she could play with the boys and enjoy dinner with us.  John had left for work and I was in the bathroom starting to get ready to leave.  My Mom was sitting at the table with Will as he stole bites off her plate.  Then I heard, "there's something wrong with Will!!!"  I ran out to see my son slumped over and convulsing.  When she stood up with him I yelled, "He's seizing!  Oh my gosh, he's seizing, Mom!"  We both panicked.  We knew there was nothing we could do, but we wanted to do something.  Poor Landon was stuck with the two of us running around screaming.  Quite literally, just screaming.  He was also standing in the middle of the room screaming.  Now and then I would yell, "I don't know what to do!  I don't know what to do!"  Also followed by, "he's turning blue!"  That moment was probably scarier than the seizure.  As he went from blue to purple.  

I called John, but I had to repeat myself because I was screaming and he couldn't understand me.  He told me to go ahead and call 911.  When I got them on the phone he was coming out of it and they dispatched someone to me.  Since he was coming out of it I ran around and grabbed everything I would need for him for the hospital while my Mom held him.  During this John came home, he had been about 4 miles from home and he spun around and sped home, passing people illegally to get to us.  He beat the EMS crew.  While we waited for them we took his temperature because John was sure it had been a febrile seizure.  This was a shock to me and my Mom because he hadn't felt hot.  She said he felt a little warm, but not hot, and at that point he still wasn't that hot.  His temp was 102.7, not all that high.  But apparently it had probably spiked suddenly and caused the seizure.  When the EMS crew arrived John talked to them and they looked at him quickly.  We told them to go ahead and tell the ambulance we wouldn't need them, we would take him in ourselves.  They hung out for a little since he was just starting to move around.  He just screamed and cried, it was heartbreaking.  Nothing calmed him down, he just screamed.  He actually screamed until we were almost at the hospital. When the crew showed up Landon popped over the banister and said, "baby Will was turning blue."  He then got very worried about what they were going to do to his brother.  He started to cry, "They are going to take away Will!"  Luckily my Mom was there to help distract him a little bit.  As John rushed Will to the car, my Mom had to also move her car to let us get out.  At that moment I started to cry, for the first time.  That made Landon very upset and he started to cry.  I talked to him and told him MaMa would be right back to be with him and we had to go.  He was very unhappy about being left alone in the house.  My Mom had to move cars after we pulled out too and he was very upset being left alone after all those scary things going on in his house. I don't blame him!

The drive to the hospital was a bit harrowing.  John was passing everyone he possibly could, illegally of course, and I was gripping the seats white knuckled.  I sat in back with Will and tried to calm him down.  I had to stop crying, because that only upset him. So I just talked to him. Once he did calm down he kept drifting off and I kept waking him up. No sleeping! Not now! Not after that, I don't think so!  John works in the ER at the hospital we were headed to so he called ahead and they registered us and gave us a room so we just had to go right in.  Easy peasy!  All he wanted to do was snuggle on us, but he did a great job. Before we had left the house John gave him a heavy dose of Tylenol.  So when we were there they monitored his temperature and eventually gave him a dose of Motrin before we went home.  That afternoon he had woken up from his nap with a cough that was leaning towards croup.  They agreed he had croup and he was having a bit of trouble breathing because of it.  So he also got a pretty intense steroid that would last him three days.  Once his temperature had dropped a good bit they let us leave.  They agreed it was a febrile seizure and now I get to live with the worry that every time he has a fever this could happen again.  Kids grow out of them by the time they are 5.  He could have one again, or never again.  I'm praying for never again.  The steroids kicked in before we left because he ate all his snacks in the diaper bag and was running around the room trying to leave.   It was pretty cute to see him in his little gown and his shoes (no bare feet on a hospital floor, yuck!).  We got him a humidifier for his room on the way home to help with his breathing.  We were all emotionally exhausted, but I'm still a bit surprised I was able to sleep with the stress.  We did stay up late so we could give him another dose of meds to ease his fever and I checked on him repeatedly during the night.  For once pregnancy bladder paid off! 

I played the strong Mom to the best of my ability.  I didn't cry at the hospital, I kept calm.  I have seen those Mom's who lose it and are just a disaster at the hospital, and it drives me nuts.  It's not helping your child to see you that way.  It was better for Will to know that things were okay and I was sure to make it that way for him.  I was fine until we got into the car and drove away.  From then until after we got home I cried, sobbed actually.  I had such a headache by the time I was done!  It was the first time I was letting myself completely feel instead of just handle things.  It was overwhelming the emotions that came.  The fear, stress, thankfulness, and worry all came at once.  And that image of him in those moments will never leave my mind.  They woke me early in the morning and I couldn't fall asleep again because of it.  But I said many prayers with a thankful heart thanking God for delivering my boy healthy and happy again to me.

The next morning he was fever free.  He was cranky and needed lots of snuggles through the day.  He spent a lot of time laying on my chest or throwing a fit in the corner.  It was a rough day for him.  But I was just grateful that he was safe and healthy and in my arms.  I did cry that morning when I got him out of bed.  He was a bit spoiled that day, I think he deserved it though.  He's still fighting off whatever virus is running through him, but I'm hoping he'll see the end of it soon.  Our family was very blessed that night.  We were blessed that things ended well, that John was able to come home quickly, that my Mom was here, that I hadn't left yet, and many more things.  

Be still my heart

I've been very worried about how Will is going to handle the introduction of a baby into his family dynamic. He is very Mommy-centric and some days it can be overwhelming how attached to me he is.  When I've held babies in the past he has freaked out and cried and pulled on me.  He doesn't even like his brother or his father snuggling with me.  He's just a bit of a Momma's boy...just a bit.  

Today he asked for a stuffed Aflac duck from his dresser.  He carried it around happily all day long.  Tonight before bed I wrapped it in his blankie and told him it was his "baby ducky".  He cradled him and rocked him back and forth.  If the blankie fell off he would bring him to me to rewrap.  Trying to swaddle a tiny stuffed duck in a rectangular blankie was really hard, but look how happy it made him!  (he even tried to swaddle him by himself)

Rocking and hugging his baby

After awhile I gave up and went and got out one of their old receiving blankets and swaddled him up.  But he insisted on still wrapping his blankie around him too.  He was so darn sweet.  He would let me hold his baby, but only for a short bit of time before he would ask for him back.  He even let his brother rock him to sleep, but that only lasted a few seconds before he was asking for his baby back.  He even pretended to give him drinks from his sippy cup.  I love that kid!  I asked him if he wanted baby ducky to go to bed with him.  He was very excited about that. 

He laid on my lap before bed with his cup and his swaddled baby.  Notice the blanket AND the blankie.

When it was time to go to bed I asked if they were ready.  He said, "no!" So I told him I was taking baby ducky to bed before him.  He was not happy, but he followed me back the hall.  I put ducky in the crib and he cried and reached for the duck.  Easiest way to get Will to bed, EVER!  He went to bed with a blankie over each shoulder and his baby ducky clutched in his one arm.  It was adorable!  It melted my heart seeing him taking care of his pretend baby all night.  

I'm really hoping that our friends having babies soon will help soften the blow for him.  He can see me holding them and get used to the notion.  This also was a glimmer of hope for me to see how much he liked to care for his pretend baby and how proud he was to get to hold it and carry it around.  I'm wondering if this will carry on into tomorrow.  Will is such a sweet little guy. He has a heart of gold and just loves so big.  He gives hugs and snuggles freely, he shares everything he has with anyone who asks, and his smile could melt a heart of stone.  As excited as I am to gain a new baby into our family I am probably as equally sad to lose my baby boy.  I have already found myself rocking him and crying about losing my baby.  And I thought, "I'm a crazy person!"  But then I remember doing the same thing with Landon.  I couldn't imagine him not being my baby anymore.  I blame it partially on the pregnancy hormones.  Those blasted things!  In all honesty though, it is a strange time of life.  To see your baby growing up and realizing how different everything is going to be soon.  For them and for you.  And you have that moment of worry, 'Can I love another child as much as I love this one?' But the miraculous and wonderful thing is, you can.  I feel like my heart just gets bigger with each one.  What a blessing!